It's pretty obvious that we've both been bad bloggers for a few months. I can't speak for Lanna, but...I can only make so many excuses.
Yes, I started college and that's a pretty busy time but...I have twenty-seven books that I've read in the past year I can write reviews for. And it takes no more than an hour for me to format, write, schedule, tag, and re-post a review in various places. I spend an hour watching The Daily Show/The Colbert Report four days a week. I spend at least an hour playing Solitaire and watching Netflix probably every day. I try to still spend an hour reading most days. And yes, I had a six class semester this fall and my brain was drained (which is why I read a LOT of romance novels), but what about the past six weeks when I had...nothing?
I can only make so many excuses, guys. And none of them feel good enough. I've had PLENTY of time to write up posts and discussions and come up with things to do and get ahead. But I haven't. I've had ZERO motivation to blog.
It makes no sense, I know. I still want to gush about a lot of books to all of you. And now I'm in a place where I'm surrounded by bookish people and usually that inspires me to do more, but lately...it hasn't. I'm more worried about if I'll get a summer internship and when I'll finally get my first editing gig and what I can do as an assistant and for the love of God can I PLEASE just continue my re-watch of The Tudors? Things that aren't important or aren't important yet or are out of my hands consume my thoughts when I could be blogging.
I've been trying to figure out where my motivation went. Was part of it the motivation the thrill of getting packages in the mail and wondering what it was and when it was some wonderful ARC, suddenly I got that little nudge to get back to work? Is not having that anymore hurting my motivation? I'm really doubtful this is the case, even though I DESPERATELY miss getting surprise packages in the mail with the most awesome books. I've been tempted to give it to publishers, but since this address IS so permanent, I only want to give it to publishers I'll keep in regular contact with so I don't risk packages coming here after I've left.
It could be a lack of outer motivation. We'd been so close to 1000 followers for a long time and took FOREVER to happen, which is always discouraging (but seriously, there's now more than 1000 of you? Something I couldn't have dreamed of when I started). Comments have been coming in much less frequently around the blogosphere, and that's definitely disheartening. As much as we all say you have to do this for yourself, when you don't have any motivation and then someone gives you this comment saying you helped them or this blog post was helpful or just something thoughtful and meaningful? It reminds you how awesome this is to do and why you love it. I know we haven't given you much to work with and this isn't just our blog, it's been most blogs from what I can tell, but sometimes the logical voice in my head isn't the loudest.
Could it be the scandals and dangers? There's been such a negative vibe with plagiarism and New Adult issues and just...so many things. So many judgments. So many things that probably need to be said but nobody wants to say them because nobody wants to be the center of more controversy or hate or...any of that. I never thought it bothered me, but maybe it does. Maybe I am more bothered than I thought I was about the author attacks and the Stop the GR Bullies and the plagiarism that's basically gone unpunished and it's built up into a desire to do nothing. And maybe this comes back to me and my desire to say so many things, but my hatred of causing conflict or upsetting anyone. I really, really hate the idea that I might step on someone's toes, which is why I often have my discussion posts pre-read if I think it could be controversial and even sometimes if I know it won't be, but still worry. And maybe the negativity has made that characteristic hypersensitive when it comes to blogging because it feels so easy TO be attacked.
Is it just a natural thing? I mean, yes I've had slumps before, but I'm not sure I've ever had a week go by (besides, I suppose, the week I spend on vacation with my family in summer) where I didn't so SOMETHING. Think about a review, start typing it up, set up a draft, started handwriting a review, doing the whole shebang, posting something prescheduled, dealing with blog emails, setting up blog tour posts...even if it doesn't seem like it, I always have fits where I say "I WILL do something" and start and then that motivation is gone five minutes later. So is this just what happens when you go three years without a real break?
Or maybe it's just part of me growing up. I mean, I still love YA and this community and have so many hopes and dreams and aspirations. But maybe I'm in a phase of life where I'm meant to stop blogging and just worry about the grown up things. The things that will most help me get a job. Then again...THIS is what will most help me get a job, isn't it?
I still love calling myself a blogger. I love the discussions and the community. I love gushing about books and I really WANT to want to write about them here. I want to give you all paragraphs and paragraphs of gushing over books I've loved and tell you the cold hard truth about books I thought I was in love with, but we clearly had only a fling because I barely remember anything months later. But I just can't. It's killing me not to know what it is or why it's happening. But...I wanted to be honest with you guys. It's something I always strive to do because you deserve that.
I just...really want to be a good blogger again. I miss it. I miss all that comes with it. I miss getting to be creative. But even having said all of this, I have no motivation to close this and open up a new post to write a review. And I hate it. But it's the truth.